Dog and cat owners!!

MEMO TO THE FAMILY CATS AND/OR DOGS

1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: placing a paw print
in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I
find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your
inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up
in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other,
stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5. My CDs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. Trust me, I have been using
the bathroom for years; canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a
sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball
on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then choke up the most disgusting hairball in history.

10. Dog and Cat: the proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.

To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door:

MEMO TO NON-PET OWNING GUESTS

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like them better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short,
hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids:

they eat less,

are easier to train,

usually come when called,

don't ask for money,

never drive your car,

don't hang out with losers,

don't drink or smoke,

don't worry about the latest fashions,

don't wear your clothes,

don't need a gazillion dollars for college,

and if they get pregnant you can sell the children.

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It takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but only takes 4 muscles to reach out and b***h slap them

I know this dude that has a boston terrier. Sadira and Necrosis know him. I also know this biker dude nick named hungry. Well one day hungry was sleeping on our couch and Jack, the boston terrier was humping his face while he was sleeping. I was laughing so hard hungry woke up to see a little red rocket in front of his eye.

Has nothing to do with anything........but it's still funny.

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I feel like a daisy on a warm spring day.

I just spit my tea out all over my keyboard.. thanks epoch > Sad

i find that all very funny and all very true

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"If your joking thats cruel, if your being sarcastic, thats even worse."

So, you spit instead of swallow eh?

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I feel like a daisy on a warm spring day.

I found it to be quite funny Epoh, its a good thing I wasn't drinking anything at the time

That was the ugliest damn dog I have ever seen. And it does not surprise me to see that your first reaction would be to laugh so hard it woke Hungry up instead of say, get the dog off him?

If someone fell down and broke their leg, Epoch's first reaction would be to laugh, and once he got it entirely out of his system, he would ask if they were ok (still laughing). And there never would be any remorse.

People not knowing Epoch (and some who do), can not understand how this trait is a good thing, but it really is. How boring would the world be if everyone you met was the nicest person in the world? And what would get done?

Two people meet at a door, one holds the door open and says “Go first”
The other says “No you go first”
“Oh but I insist”
Then Epoch shoves them both aside and walks in.

Epoch is always the first one through the door, and the first one to face the danger within.

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Kings and emperors come and go, I am eternal.

Hell yeah I spit ...Thats shit is nasty..!! Mr. Green

Jack is NOT ugly, he's cute......compared to a nosefratu. He's quite skilled at picking birds off too.

AND, I only laugh at things that are funny. It's not my fault that what I find funny and what most other people do are different.

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I feel like a daisy on a warm spring day.